#otp: whether sinner or saint

[haljathefangirlcat]

Okay, pls tell me about this: "heartfic au"

As you MAY have already guessed ;) it’s a fic inspired by @janiedean’s beautiful ASOIAF heartfics. 

For those unaware: one day, an anon suggested Janie write an ASOIAF fanfic set in an AU where, after suffering too much pain and trauma, people’s hearts (represented by glowing spheres of light) may crack and bleed and, eventually, spontaneously disappear from their owners’ chest to reappear wherever their soulmate is. Said soulmate then takes care of the heart, trying to heal its wounds and/or stop its bleeding, until they’re finally able to give it back. And then, ofc, romance and (more) hurt/comfort ensue. I think the initial prompt was JB, because iirc that’s what the first heartfic was? But Janie also wrote similar fics about other ships, like Davos and his wife getting Stannis’ heart or Sansa getting Sandor’s.

Janie has said on a couple of occasion that she’s fine with other people using the same concept, since it was that anon who came up with it. I decided to write Arthurian fic about it because the whole idea was just screaming GALAHAD/MORDRED!!!! over and over at me. 

Basic plot is “kid!Galahad gets a cracked, bleeding heart and figures it’s that of a damsel in distress he will have to save one day because ofc, he’s Miracle Boy and everything, but oh no, all the ballads say brave noble knights marry the damsels in distress whose hearts they heal, and he has to stay Pure to find the Grail!! ... but hey, maybe they can be just friends?? Then he grows up, goes to Camelot, starts this weird friendship (?) with Mordred as the two Local Subtly (Or Not So Subtly) Ostracized Awkward Prophesized Bastards Of Very Important People, and realizes it was never about a damsel at all. Cue DRAMA on both sides (”WAIT HOW DOES IT WORK DOES THIS MAKE IT BETTER OR WORSE I MEAN CAN WE HAVE LIKE A PLATONIC VIRILE FRIENDSHIP OR DO WE HAVE TO --” “OH GREAT I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH EVEN FOR MY GD SOULMATE NOW” and a bunch of other stuff) until Galahad leaves on the Grail Quest and experiences a lot of horrible shit until his own heart goes to Mordred to protect itself, proving they truly ARE meant to be together and prompting Galahad to refuse the Grail and ascending to Heaven (after a lot more internal turmoil, probably) so he can come back to him.”

Here’s a peek from a scene I’m particularly proud of:

As it turns out, he wasn’t lying.

Mordred can’t deny it as he stares at the thing Galahad took out of the chest under his bed, the thing that was in the leather pouch, the thing wrapped in wool like it was fragile and precious. The thing in Galahad’s hands, held gently, shivering like a branch in the wind, glowing like live coals, pulsating – no, not pulsating, beating.

The void in his chest longs for it, aches for it, covets it. No. No, it’s more than that. It’s not just desire but a need, a hunger. It makes him helpless before it, pulls him towards it like a riptide, and it’s all he can do to struggle against it and resist it, holding his arms rigid by his sides and not moving an inch from his position.

«It’s yours,» Galahad say, uselessly, and he opens and closes his mouth and lowers his gaze like he doesn’t know what else to say.

«Yes. It’s mine,» Mordred replies, just as uselessly. Then, after a moment, he adds: «Those are even my colors.» More because he’s just noticed than for any other reason. His bewildered tone probably makes his words sound even more foolish. But he won’t blame himself for that too much, not right now, because the first thing he noticed was the redness – the blood. The splotches of blood and the many, ragged scars. Hard to notice anything else, after seeing that.

His heart is an ugly thing. That’s not surprising, at all, but he chokes back bitter laughter all the same. 

Galahad’s head whips back up at the sound, and he looks startled and a bit confused. «Uh. Ah, yes, that’s true. I hadn’t thought… or, mh, noticed…» He stops, frowning.

Right then, a thought strikes him like a slap across the face, part hope and part dread and entirely stupid. «Gaheris has silver and purple in his arms, too.» Mordred hesitates and bites his lip, feeling inexplicably like a child about to confide some secret that’s at once all too important and too silly to be exposed, and then continues: «Not only that, but the silver reminds me of Orkney’s sea in winter… and that purple, of a flower that blooms sometimes on the heaths near the sea. My brothers and I all used to play on the coast as boys. They already did it long before I was even born.» Another pause. «As for the flower, I think we all picked it for our mother at least once.» And now, its color is dirtied and muddled by bloodstains.

Galahad shakes his head. «I’ve never thought too much about what the colors might mean. But I’ve also never felt like it could belong to any of your brothers.» There’s a light flush on his cheeks, now, a thin note of something that’s almost stubbornness in his voice. Mordred is aware that he could use that to tease him.

He doesn’t feel like teasing him. «Still… how can you be so certain?»

Galahad blinks and then stares him right in the eye, and suddenly his chest is tight, full of something that itches and stings and prickles under the other man’s calm, blue gaze. «Aren’t you? Don’t you feel it’s your heart?»

He does. He does, and that’s just the problem. The itch grows more intense, more unbearable with every moment he keeps his mouth shut to avoid answering. He drops his gaze to the thing that’s still in Galahad’s hands, the thing that’s calling to him and only him and seems to be beating faster and brighter the more he looks at it and does nothing else, almost like it’s yelling at him in its own way for making it wait so long.

«What if I don’t want it,» he says, and his voice sounds rough and weak to his own ears.

«Why wouldn’t you want it?» Galahad asks that like he honestly can’t think of any reason why, like this is the first time anyone in the whole world has ever said anything like what Mordred, not-so-secret bastard prince and prophesized kingslayer and kinslayer of Camelot, has just said. Maybe it is. He’s pretty sure he’s never heard any songs about any beleaguered damsel who simply told the dashing hero at the foot of her dreary tower, oh no, my good sir, you may keep it, I was fine without it and I will not need it anytime soon.

But Mordred is not a vulnerable maiden or locked up against his will and at the mercy of a cruel brother or uncle or eagerly waiting to be rescued since he was half his current height, so he steels himself and tries again: «What if I’m just fine the way I am now? What if I don’t need it, after all? I’ve spent years not feeling anything, I’m used to it.»

He looks up in time to catch the flash of naked hurt that crosses Galahad’s fine features, briefly replacing startled incredulity before it turns into barely concealed worry. «Are you sure?» Then, he seems to really think about it… and the fingers of his right hand start stroking the thing, lightly and unthinkingly. «I�� I can imagine something has happened that you may not want to remember. Maybe you’ve felt things you don’t want to feel again. But is this really better? Would you really keep living like this?»

The spark of anger mixed with spite that flares up in his gut – at Galahad’s questioning and his assumptions that he can imagine and that he knows what living like this is like, those soft caresses that feel so impossibly familiar and intimate when at most they should be irritating or even disturbing in their presumptuousness, the way he feels himself ache for entirely new reasons – tempts him to say that yes, he would, and yes, this is better. It has to be. Has to be better than this ridiculous, confusing, terrible mess that Galahad’s dragged him into. Had he never come to Camelot, or least, had he never come to him with truths that sounded like bad jokes and his honest, open gaze and their stupidly engaging arguments and the quiet evenings spent together hiding away from everyone else and…

«Aren’t there things you’d like to feel? For your family, or your friends, or…»

Mordred sighs. There were lots of things, back when he had first given up his heart and spent his every waking moment wishing to get it back somehow. That was years ago, though, and after some time had passed and he had finally figured out that wishing never helped with anything, all of them had started to seem less desirable, less important… just, less. They didn’t matter anymore, and so he didn’t want them then and doesn’t want them now. And yet… it seems foolish to even think about it, like he’s slipping back into stale old fantasies and half-forgotten, senseless hopes, but… maybe there are a couple of new things, now.

He sighs again, this time trying for a slightly exasperated but mostly careless tone, and holds his hands out in front of him as soon as he’s sure they’ve stopped shaking. He swallows and says: «Alright, I think I’ll give it a try. But know that I might just throw it out again and then you’ll be stuck with it.» He tells himself that he’s not afraid. He is, of course, but he’s such a convincing liar, he knows he can convince himself. It can’t be too hard, right?

Galahad grimaces, and that’s not too encouraging, even if he’s quick to school his features before he slowly, almost gingerly reaches his hands out to him, too. Mordred has half a mind to snap at him and say, look, I was only jesting, I’m not saying you’ll really have to keep it or that I’d care if you left it on the wayside or threw it into a well, but then he worries that the bile might blend with actual pity and so he says nothing except for: «How am I supposed to do this, then?» The songs, of course, skip the boring technical details.

Galahad fits the glowing sphere between his palms like he’s putting a newborn into the cradle, touches his fingers to make them curl over it as if he’s afraid he’ll drop it. The sphere is light as a breath, yet somehow solid, and warm like a living thing… which it truly is, all things considered, although that thought still feels a little absurd. Galahad’s skin is warm, too. «I’m not sure,» Galahad admits. «I’ve… never done this before.»

«Yeah, well, neither have I.»

[fightforwhatubelievein]

So Many Questions

Rules: answer all questions (that you can), add one question of your own and then tag as many people as there are questions 

………..

I was tagged by @thetruthofyourdespair thank you :3

………..

1. coke or pepsi: I don’t really drink fizzy drinks but I guess I’d go with coke

2. disney or dreamworks: I love both so much but I feel like a certain friend that works for Disney would disown me if I don’t choose Disney XD

3. coffee or tea: I don’t drink either cause I’m weird 

4. books or movies: I love both too much you can’t make me choose 

5. windows or mac: Windows

6. dc or marvel: Marvel

7. x-box or playstation: I grew up with Nintendo to be honest though I just love video games in general

8. dragon age or mass effect: I’m gonna have to say Mass Effect since I’ve never played the other one

9. night owl or early riser: Constantly exhausted pigeon (this should always be an option XD) 

10. Cards or chess: Cards

11. chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

12. vans or converse: Converse

13. avellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: Context please?

14. fluff or angst: Why not angst followed by fluff when the OTP comforts and takes care of each other because that just gets to me every time XD

15. beach or forest: I love forests so much they’re so beautiful and peaceful

16. dogs or cats: I love both but dogs are so cute and fluffy they make me happy 

17. clear skies or rain: Clear sky because they’re so rare in Ireland XD

18. cooking or eating out: Eating out because I should not be allowed anywhere near an oven

19. spicy food or mild food: I like both but I prefer mild

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: My family have never made much of a big deal about either of these but I guess I prefer Christmas because I like all the cute lights everywhere :3

21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: I can’t stand being too warm so I’d rather be a little too cold and just wear cozy jumpers and wrap myself up in a blanket burrito

22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: This is such a tough question..... Maybe shape shifting or talking to animals

23. animation or live action: Animation

24. paragon or renegade: I think some of these questions need to come with explanations 

25. baths or showers: Showers

26. team cap or team ironman: Captain America because he is the precious dorito

27. fantasy or sci-fi: ...... Both

28. do you have three or four favorite quotes, if so what are they: (not in order)

I have way too many, but here’s the first ones that came to mind: * “900 years of time and space and I’ve never met anyone that wasn’t important”- Doctor Who * “A lesson without pain is meaningless, you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return”- FMA * “Love/Life/Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints”- Hamilton (Musical) (I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of this one) * “If there’s a wall in our way, then we smash it down. If there isn’t a path, then we carve one ourselves”- Gurren Lagann

29. youtube or netflix: Netflix

30. harry potter or percy jackson: Harry Potter (one of my first fandoms)

31. when you feel accomplished: *system error please try again later*

32. star wars or star trek: I haven’t really watched either to be honest

33. paperback books or hardback books: I just love books in general but I probably prefer hardbacks

34. to live in a world without literature or without music?: I would not survive in either world

35. who was the last person to make you laugh?: My friends who are the funniest people I’ve ever met

36. sour or sweet candy: Sweet (I can’t stand sour)

37. dawn or dusk: Dusk because sunsets are pretty and the only time I’m up early enough for dawn is when I’ve been up all night and am too tired to appreciate it

38. piercings or tattoos: I love both I already have several piercings and I’m planning on getting tattoos soon

39. girls? HOT?????: Hell yeah girls are hot and I’m just like please teach me your ways XD

40. snow or fog: Snow

41. do you sleep facing the wall or the room? I tend to twist and turn a lot but I’d say I face the room most the time

42. TRC or AFTG: What even is this?

43. horror or drama: Drama I guess though I will occasionally decide it’s a good plan to watch a horror at 3am when I’m home alone

44. ocarina of time or majora’s mask?: I love Legend of Zelda but I haven’t played these games in years so I guess I’ll go with ocarina of time since it’s less traumatic XD

45. would you rather live in an area of more nature or city?: I’d love to live surrounded by nature (though spending summers at my aunt and uncles house in the middle of no where has taught me that in can frustrating living far away from everything)

46. what’s your addiction right now?: Manga because I’ve read 4 different series in the past week instead of doing college work

47. what languages can you speak?: English..... that’s it I’m terrible at learning languages. I was studying Irish for majority of my life and I can’t even hold a simple conversation

48. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: I’ve never left my own country but probably Holland, France or Japan

49. sun or moon?: Is it sad that I questioned whether this is about Pokemon or the actual orbs in space? Either way I’ll say moon

50. potato bread or banana bread?: Potato bread is a thing???? Why have I never been informed about this??

51. are horses good?: Hell yes

52. Edward Elric or Alphonse Elric?: Why would you want to make me choose between my children??? I’m gonna have to say Alphonse because I just want to hug him and protect him from the world

53. Logan or Deadpool?: Deadpool is one of my favourite characters ever and he is my spirit animal

54. Pokémon or Digimon?: These were both such huge parts of my childhood but I guess I’ll have to choose Pokemon

55. One-shots or lengthy fics? I tend to write one-shots but you can’t beat reading a well written lengthy fic

I tag: @sassy-popcorn @probingewatcher789 @roxanlynch @yatoriislife @baudleaires

[haljathefangirlcat]

Soft fluffy Galahad and Mordred, made on a whim using this picrew